Dumb Porn Names

Yeah, yeah, I know I haven’t been around in awhile. long story, and one I don’t really have the time for right now. We need to have time for important matters, which concern the newest batch of dumb fucking porn site names.

Today’s selection is Pill Boxxx. Now I thought maybe this was a site for like viagra or some shit, but it turns out that it’s about pornstars.

Wait, what? The only way that would make sense is if they had pills coming out of their vaginas or something. Alas, that is not what’s happening, it’s just your typical boring plastic pornstar site.

Nick’s name isn’t strange, other than the random thoughts of Eli Manning that comes floating across whenever I see that last name. However, Nick Manning has earned his place at Dumb Porn Names for an entirely different reason. His..acting.

Now, I know that theatrical ability is not considered in porn, especially among the stunt cocks. However, I just can’t help but busting out laughing anytime I watch a scene with this guy in it.

The first scene I saw him in, all he said to start it off was “SUCK COCK” in this really caveman like voice, then pulled the chick’s head down on his cock. Another one I remember was ‘FUCK TITTIES” in that same loud tone of voice, whereupon he smacked the shit out of the chick’s tits. It’s just so out there, and completely out of nowhere that you can’t help but die laughing…and to share it with you all. If I can find a good video example of it, I’ll post it up here.

Guess what time it is… No, it’s not tool time, it’s time for a tirade. Don’t ask me why I had to, but I’ve had to watch around 40ish of your standard, cookie cutter hardcore porn movies. I want to kill myself now. Obviously the whole cheesy porn plots aren’t real - but for the love of god would it be so hard to find pornstars that actually had some sort of chemistry going? Or maybe even ones that could give good blowjobs?

Maybe I’ve been spoiled with all of the amateur porn I’ve been watching, because even if the people there didn’t look as good as some pornstars, they at least are entertaining to watch fuck. I can’t get turned on watching some pornstar get the side of her cheek rammed in a blowjob. What the fuck is that, seriously? Are they trying to make a funny popping noise or what ? I’m pretty sure that most people suck on the cock, maybe even take it down their throats - not the cheek. Unless you’re a squirrel.

Deep breath. Anyway, the other thing that I’m annoyed by is the hand on the hip. I’m sorry dude, but I do not think that half heartedly thrusting your cock into some worn out pornstar pussy while jauntily holding your hand on your hip is the way to go.

I would go into more details, but seriously - how hard is it to find some chicks that actually want to have sex instead of just lay there in retarded positions? Especially some chicks that actually look like they know what they’re doing? Do I really need to break out the milf porn for chicks that have a clue? Sigh. Sorry about the rant. This just sucked bad.

I’ve heard boobs called lots of different names - in fact, breasts probably have the most euphuisms of any other body part imaginable. But Double Airbags? I don’t know about you, but that’s definitely a new one for me…

I’m sure those of you that love classic porn remember many of the movies with nostalgic fondess. That’s all good and well, but that doesn’t excuse the last few generations for these dumb porn names. So, here’s the top 10 offenders (i.e. the first 10 that really jumped out at me). As always, feel free to leave some suggestions in the comments!

1. Gigalo Juice - First thought - Gigalo Juice, the New Energy Drink! The second was reading the description on this 1989 porno - “The story of a penis with an envy!”. Uh…alrighty then.
2. Starship Intercourse - The nerd in me screams at the blasphemy - the pervert in me wonders if they happened to work a Spock sex scene in there.
3.  Supertung - Just look at the post graphic - do I need to explain why this is up here?
4. 4. Who Came In the Backdoor? - First thought - It was the butler in the library with the candle stick! Second thought - shitty porn pun crits you for 5000000 damage.
5. Double Whammy - First though - No whammy no whammy no whammy and……………stop! Second thought - FUCK WHAMMY GODDAMNIT.
6. Lesbionic Woman - Lesbian = good. Bad porn pun = bad. Sorry Amber Lynn, you fail this time around.
7. Roll X Girls - This is bad enough, but then you a) see the cover with the chick with like 6 watches on, b) read the box cover “She has time on her hands. Do You? and finally, c) read the description “t’s beautiful call girls who service only the wealthy status seekers with Rollies on their wrists. When the morning comes, the girl is gone and so is the watch.” You know, I’m all for story in my porn - so long as the story isn’t completely retarded. Sounds like a new category here - dumb porn plots (that one might take me the rest of my life, though…)
8. Beefeaters - The carnivore special of classic porn - no vegans allowed!
9. Screwples - When all else fails, go straight for the throat with shitty puns!
10. Programmed for Pleasure - And here we have the real doll of the 70s!

Hey, we made it through an entire list without curling up into the fetal position. Badass!